Pain

A day had passed. 2 minutes ago, I walked past his room on the way to my own room Still, it feels almost unreal. I have to keep telling myself that it is true, because for some reason, a part of me refuses to believe the truth. And every time I have to tell myself that Ben is dead and gone forever, my heart breaks all over again and my world comes crashing down.

Yes. Ben, my lovely Ben… Benedict – He who is blessed, is dead.

The poor child has always been a weak baby. He suffered so much when he gets sick. It’s the problem with his breathing. He can’t breathe properly when he is sick with flu. Whenever he got sick, it took him so long to recover each time.

The night before he got sick, he was trying to play with me. I thought he looked so cute and lovable. I didn’t play with him for very long, though. If only… OH IF ONLY I HAD KNOWN! I would have played with him forever!!! As long as he wanted and as long as he could play with me…

I heard him crying and whining in pain during the night. I was sick with flu myself, and the medicine I took made me go to sleep. When I woke up in the morning, Ben was dead.

Gone. Forever.

I did not cry when I found out he was dead. I could not. All I could feel was a numb pain. All I could focus on was that pain caused by the thought that I will never again hear that sweet laughter or see that adorable grin. Ben will never kiss me again. Ben will never play with me again.

It was not until I went into his room to open the window - the way he liked it so that he could see the birds outside – and kissed him, and said goodbye to him, that I started to cry. And when I started to cry, I could not stop. I cried until I had no more tears left to cry…

Anna